Chaiwale Chacha

It had become a routine. I would leave 10 mins early to stop at chaiwale chacha's shack to have a hot, piping cup of adrak chai with ek rupye ki matthi. It was good, refreshing but more than that I liked to see that teeth-less smile on the beautifully wrinkled and freckled face. Chacha wouldn't say anything. In the beginning, he would signal me to ask the number of cups but soon he got used to me being alone. I would buy matthi to add another rupee to the bill.

Chacha was very old. He looked like he was born centuries ago. He would wear same cream colored short-length kurta and brown pyjama with tattered black shoes everyday. He would make tea himself. He had no helper even to serve it or wash utensils. He was slow but I never got late because of him.

On one Monday, I left home at the usual-by-then time to catch my cup of chai on way to office. I reached the chacha-wala turn and like everyday my eyes started looking for his shack. As I took the turn I realized he was not there. Chacha had become a habit. I felt confused and slightly worried too. I thought about stopping and asking someone but then there were no shops around. I kept moving and reached office. It was a terribly busy day and hoping to see him the next day, I forgot about it by the time I reached home late in the evening.

Tuesday morning began as usual but as I took chacha-wala turn, my heart stopped. He was not there again. Humans are designed to start thinking negative when things don't go their way and that's what happened with me too. All sorts of unpleasant thoughts started crossing my mind. I kept moving, kept thinking and reached office. As the day passed, I realized I was crabbier than the usual with so much work but my mind occupied with thoughts of chacha. The day passed away at its pace. I reached home late and went to sleep quickly.

I got up feeling restless and tired on Wednesday morning. I had dreamed of chacha the whole night. I was dreading my journey to office today - what if he was not there still? I was in a strange situation. I was damn worried, in fact scared for him and I also knew I can't share my problem with anyone at home. What would they think? I was dreaming about a chaiwala old man? Nobody would understand my concern for him. I left for office and as expected chacha was not there. Now I was almost convinced something wrong had happened with him. He was very old. Or maybe some accident. I decided to stop and check. I stopped my car near 2-3 people standing on the pavement whom I thought I had seen earlier also, rolled down the left window and asked about that old chaiwala baba. Somehow I knew they won't know anything and they didn't but it still disappointed me. I was very sad. I reached office but couldn't concentrate on anything the whole day. Citing health reasons I left for home early. I didn't talk to anyone at home and went to sleep.

Thursday morning was a dreadful morning not just for me but also my family. I got up early morning with high fever and severe headache. Night before had been full of nightmares. I puked a number of times and was taken to the family doctor. He didn't know what was going inside and he gave the usual medicines. I wanted to go to office but mom was relentless. I gave in but kept thinking about chacha only. I felt as if I had lost someone close to my heart. I didn't eat anything the whole day. But thankfully everyone blamed it on to the fever. The day passed somehow.

I was not allowed to  go to the office the next day as well and then was the weekend. Staying home for four consecutive days was not my thing but this time I forced it upon myself. By Sunday evening I had gone through various stages of worrying and finally accepting that chacha was history now and I would never see him again. I have had pangs of extreme sadness and had cried many a times. Some family friends dropped by in the evening and I decided to join them for dinner at a favorite restaurant. I knew it wouldn't be easy to forget chacha but life had to move on. Dining out came as a welcome change and I had a relatively peaceful night.

Monday morning came and with a heavy heart I left for office. Mom gave worried looks but she knew this was maximum she could keep me away from work. I had half a mind to change my route but I knew that was not the solution. I had to face it.

Roads were unusually crowded. Maybe I felt like that because I was driving after a gap of four days or maybe it was because of the approaching festive season. Whatever was the reason, it was good for me. I completely concentrated on my driving. But as I approached chacha-wala turn, panic struck me and I suddenly felt nauseated. I wanted to close my eyes and believe that chacha never existed but alas I was driving. I kept moving with the traffic and took the turn. As my car turned, my eyes automatically moved in the direction where chacha's shack used to be. And my heartbeat stopped. Standing there in all his glory were chaiwale chacha. I couldn't believe it. I started moving my car towards the left and stopped a little ahead. I went with my impulse and ran towards chacha. I almost hugged him. He gave his signature teeth-less smile and got busy in making my tea. I didn't know what to say to him and could only manage - "Aap kahan the itne din se Chacha?" And for the first time I heard his voice - "Beta Hamare pote ki shaadi thi gaon mein". I wanted to kiss him on the forehead for making one full week of my life a hell.

Bond

That morning had begun as everyday at Raichand household. By the time Mohit had come down to have breakfast, Radhika was leaving for school and Mala was trying to make that perfect cup of coffee for him in between kissing and hugging Radhika goodbye for the day. Radhika had almost reached the main gate when she had seen Mohit coming down. She had run back to hug and kiss daddy before finally leaving. Mohit smiled at Mala when she brought his coffee. Just behind her was Rohini, their house-maid, bringing a tray carrying freshly-made paranthas. Mohit had already begun eating a toast by then. He quickly finished it and picked a hot aloo ka parantha. Mala chuckled. She sipped on her nimbu pani quietly. Mohit's complete concentration was on his parantha. Once he was through, he picked up his mug and spoke for the first time that morning "You make the best paranthas in the world". Mala laughed but said nothing. She knew her husband was a foodie and when hungry even average food worked for him the same way. And she also knew that it was not she but her sister-in-law Ritika who made Mohit's favorite paranthas. This thought made her sad.

Within the first 6 months of her marriage with Mohit, she and Ritika had become best friends or rather soul sisters. And as time had passed, Ritika had started sharing all her secrets with Mala. It was during one of their shopping sessions, Ritika had very casually mentioned about Ajay. Mala still remembered very clearly how things had unfolded post that. She had been happy and knowing the bond Mohit and Ritika shared, she had initially wondered why Ritika was reluctant to talk about Ajay with Mohit. But then when finally she had got to know, she knew this match was impossible.

"Tomorrow is Radhika's parent-teacher meeting? By when do you think we'll get free? I've a meeting at 12." Mohit's voice brought Mala back to present. By then, Mohit had finished his breakfast and was getting up to get ready for office. "We should be free by 11 latest. Post that you can leave for the meeting directly. I'll stay back for a session with pre-nursery kids at the school. It's a Saturday and I'm relatively free too. Head mistress had called yesterday for the same. By the time it'll get over, Radhika will also be through with her classes and we can come back together. I'll call the driver to pick us up." Mala said. Mohit smiled. He was proud of his wife. She managed her personal and professional lives beautifully. Mala was a leading child psychologist of the city. She loved her family and her work. She enjoyed taking such sessions at Radhika's school.

Mohit came down half an hour later all set to leave. Mala was talking on her mobile phone. Mala was listening intently and Mohit immediately knew it was his very-dominating mom-in-law on the other side. Mohit decided not to disturb and sat down to wait for her to finish since as a rule neither of them left home without hugging the other. Mala looked up to see Mohit waiting but she didn't want to cut-short her mother since the discussion was important. After a few moments Mohit's phone rang and he got up to take the call. It was very difficult for him to sit and talk on a mobile phone unless he was in bed feeling lazy. He moved out in the porch to not disturb Mala.

"Hello. Mohit Raichand." He took the call.

Mala had seen Mohit walk out with his phone. After ending the call, she walked towards the porch. She wanted to tell him what mom was discussing over the phone. It was exciting, important and urgent. She knew Mohit was waiting to hug her goodbye for the day. As she stepped out, she saw Mohit sitting on the only couch in the veranda. She wondered if he was still on phone since she was facing his back and wasn't able to see what he was up to. She hurried towards him and made her way to the space next to him on the couch. He wasn't talking. He was silently sitting and looking at some faraway thing in the garden. But she could make out that he wasn't seeing anything in particular. He was just lost somewhere. His face wasn't giving away anything of what was going inside him. Her husband was not very expressive, she knew. Hope all is well, was her first thought. She gently put her left hand on his right shoulder and asked kindly "What happened Mohit? Who called up?" Mohit turned towards her and she could see that he was in pain. But it was not just pain. There was something more. He said nothing. He just hugged her and got up to leave for work. She saw him walking slowly to his car, climb in and drive away. She was worried now.

Mala, for the second time in her life, was getting very impatient. The first one was when she and Mohit were waiting for her pregnancy report 4 years back. Today, she knew something had happened but somehow she also knew it wasn't bad. She cancelled all her appointments for the day and decided to go and talk to Mohit at his office. He wouldn't talk on phone.

Mohit was getting restless now. He had tried not to think about it but that is exactly what he had ended up doing the whole morning. But surprisingly he didn't feel the same anger today. He only felt longing and ache. His mind was wondering why his feelings had changed suddenly but his heart knew the reason.

A knock on the door startled Mohit. He had instructed his secretary to cancel all meetings and not let anyone disturb him. He was confused and wanted some time alone. He hadn't shared anything with Mala also. He was now feeling guilty for that since he knew she would be worrying. But then he didn't know how to react to this himself. All emotions that he had buried inside the deepest corner of his heart 3 years back were struggling to come out. And the only one that he had let stay with him, anger, was eluding him today. He didn't want to be rude to whosoever it was. "Come in" he was cold. "Hi. Hope I'm not disturbing you." Mala tried to sound cheerful. Familiar, kind voice made Mohit look up. "Hi. You never disturb me. Why are you standing there? Come in & sit." He knew why she was there. Somehow he had expected it. Mala made herself comfortable and smiled at Mohit. He offered her a glass of water lying on his table that she declined. "Do I need to ask?" She came to the point directly. No formalities required between them. Mohit knew he had no option.

"I got a call from Ajay this morning. He and Ritika have been blessed with a baby girl. I was the first person he called." Mohit took his time to say this. "What? And you are telling this to me now? This is awesome. Let's go and see them." Mala was thrilled. Mohit didn't react. "No we can't. We've no relation with them." He tried to sound angry but failed. His voice was sad, very sad. Mala's heart went out to him. She got up and moved around the table to come near him. He turned to look at her and a tear rolled out of his eye. That was it. He couldn't hold it back anymore. He hugged her belly and started crying like a child. Mala put her arms around his head protectively and let all the angst, fear, ego of years come out. She didn't stop him. She didn't utter a word. She stood there like that for a long time. But she was relieved. She knew that after this she'll get her Mohit back. Mohit who had stopped being that carefree, easy going, mischievous guy whom she had married. He used to be the life of all the parties they attended but after that fateful day 3 years back, he had stopped going to the parties. He had become more of a recluse. He had turned his back away from his sister and had decided that she didn't exist for him any more. It was a sad day. Mala still remembered how after so much of coaxing had Ritika agreed to finally talk to Mohit about Ajay. Mohit, being the over-protective brother he was, had asked many questions about the guy including his family background. And he had out rightly said no because Ajay belonged to a scheduled caste. Ritika and Mala both knew this would happen but Mala was optimistic that Mohit would eventually agree since he loved his baby sister a lot. But Mohit had said a strict no. In fact he had ordered Ritika not to meet Ajay again. He had asked Mala to look for a suitable boy for Ritika urgently so they could marry her off. Ritika had been heartbroken. She had said nothing then but two days later she had taken a step that even Mala couldn't have imagined in the wildest of her dreams. She had gone ahead all by herself and married Ajay in a temple. Ritika had always been a brave and open minded girl. It was a big thing for her to do too since her brother was all she had after their parents had passed away. But she loved Ajay equally.

Mohit pulled away from Mala. "Let's go" Mala said. "Are you sure? She must be very angry with me. I left her all alone at the time when she needed me. I even didn't let you stay in touch with her. I am so angry with myself." Mohit said in a small voice. "She must have already forgiven you. She loves you a lot. She must be waiting for you. We have to go now." Mala was clear. Mohit got up immediately. "Should we pick Radhika on way? She'll be so happy to meet her little sister" Mohit asked. Mala smiled "Great idea". She was finally feeling at peace. And she knew Mohit too was.

Dear Life.. I love you!

Dear Life

I find you very strange. You give me hundred reasons to cry but thousands to laugh as well. You give me failures but successes too. I stumble, I fall but then I get up and walk again. I find you difficult at times but beautiful too. I sometimes want to take a break from you but never want to let go of you. After all you are mine. You make me experience so much. You make me meet so many others. You bring surprises and shocks. And you keep moving on. But not without me. You always take me along. You sometimes become a difficult problem but you help find answers too. Sometimes you move fast and sometimes you move really slow. But either ways you have something new to offer. Every moment that I spend with you is different. I learn from you. You've given me some beautiful and some not so beautiful memories. And honestly there are some days I want to delete from you. But then I know that is not possible. Despite all this strangeness, I love you.

I'll look forward to hear from you.

Love

Me

Proposal

"Do you love me?" he asked.
"What do you think?" she asked in reply.
"A question can't be an answer to a question." he said ruefully.
She laughed out loudly. He couldn't help but smile. After all this was what he liked the most about her, her carefree and infectious laughter.
"Answer me Mana." he tried to show irritation but his tone failed him miserably. How can she ever irritate him?
"Stop calling me that. I've a name that you forget every time." She tried to show anger.
"I don't forget but I like to call you this. What's wrong with it? That's my love name for you." he said teasingly.
"I don't like nick names. I've a name that I love and like to be called by it only." she answered matter-of-factly. He knew that and also knew why exactly she didn't like nicknames. They had been childhood buddies.
"Fine Miss Mansi M Agnihotri. From now on I'll call you by your name. Now can you please answer my question?" He was quick to come back. After all it didn't matter what he called her. What mattered was to know what she felt about him. Of late he had started getting impatient and insecure. They no longer were kids. They both were well-educated, working adults and he knew that soon their parents would start talking about marriage. He needed to know what she thought. He had been in love with her since 1st year of college. Till then he too was unaware of his feelings for her. It was only when she left to pursue her dream to become an architect did he realize how much he missed being with her and over a period of few months it finally dawned upon him that he was madly and deeply and irrevocably in love with Mana. That silly Mana with whom he was constantly fighting.
"Of course I love you Arnab. You're my chuddy buddy. How can I not love you? I've spent more time with you in my 24 years of existence than my family. You know almost all my secrets." Finally Mansi said. She had that fond look in her eyes. He was her best friend. Even when she was away at the School of Architecture, it was Arnab who was her confidante and support.
"Almost?" Arnab narrowed his eyes. "What have you kept from me?"
"C'mon Arnab. I am a girl and there are certain things I can't share with you." she retorted.
"Fine but you know I am not talking about this friendly love." He was very serious now. He held both her arms lightly and looked straight in to her eyes "Mansi I love you. I want to spend rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"
She didn't react or move. She kept looking in to his honest and deep eyes. Her face revealed nothing of what was going inside her head and heart. He was getting impatient. He had waited for years to say this. He moved his hands away and lowered his eyes. Why was she taking so much time? Would she say no? Does she have someone else in her life? After all she just said she shared 'almost' all her secrets. Has she kept this secret from him? Thousands of thoughts crossed his mind and with each passing moment they were becoming more negative.
That is it. He wouldn't be able to take it any more. He opened his mouth to say something but stopped immediately. As he looked up he saw tears flowing down her cheeks. Mansi was crying. Why? Has he hurt her? Is she in pain? He didn't intend to hurt her. Did he say something harsh? Was he not gentle? How can he hurt her? He loved her so much. He could feel panic rising inside him. He was feeling so helpless. He didn't know what to say or do.
He took a step further towards her and tried to touch her face. She moved back. He could see something on her face but couldn't understand what. Was it anger or hate? He cursed himself. He wanted to take her in his arms and tell her to forget everything. He was feelings so miserable. What if he lost their invaluable friendship too? It had taken everything he had to say this to her and the consequences looked devastating.
And suddenly she came closer to him. She slapped him lightly and he heard something he couldn't believe. "I hate you Arnab. You took the entire life to finally say this. I have been waiting for this forever. You are so stupid. I had started to feel that you'll never say it and I'll have to marry someone else. What took you so long?" And she fell in to his arms. Tears started flowing down his cheeks too. He couldn't understand if they were tears of joy or relief. Finally he had his Mana.

Pain

Why do things haunt us? Why can't we forget and move on? I think that 's a human thing. How-much-so-ever we might like to forget or at least not let things happened in the past affect us, they do. And sometimes to the effect that they make those few moments of despair extremely painful. Pain is not just a feeling. It is an inseparable part of human life. 

My Balancing Act

Life is complicated. Relationships are complicated. We as individuals are complicated. Sometimes we do certain things that even we wouldn't have thought we can. We're unpredictable for ourselves. We all commit mistakes. Sometimes even blunders. But then we are human beings. So when we try to understand ourselves, we complicate things more. My mantra is to leave myself free and find ways to liberate myself. When in a situation where I feel too caught up, I indulge myself in activities that I enjoy. I either go and spend time with a group of my favorite people or shop something for myself that I have been trying to buy for ages or eat something that I like but don't usually because it is fattening. That doesn't mean I run away from the complication or problem. It's just that I give myself some more time to come to terms with it and handle it in a better way. Also, there are certain questions that arise in life whose answers we don't have. Therefore, it is better to leave them for the time when there is a possibility of finding the answers.

I'm learning from my dad to stay balanced in all situations. After all this is life. It'll have its turns and trials. The best we can do for ourselves is to go through them calmly. Life is never the same always. Change is what happens with every passing moment. If good days get over soon, so would bad days too. I now try not to give extreme reactions. I'm not yet there completely but I'm trying and I'm sure I'll be there soon.

A journey beyond...

A journey beyond words!

A journey beyond silence!

A journey beyond dreams!

A journey beyond reason!

A journey beyond nothing!

A journey beyond everything!

A journey beyond then!

A journey beyond now!

A journey beyond reality!

A journey beyond imagination!

A journey beyond limits!

A journey beyond freedom!

A journey beyond darkness!

A journey beyond light!

A journey beyond then!

A journey beyond now!

A journey beyond question!

A journey beyond answer!

A journey beyond today!

A journey beyond tomorrow!

A journey beyond beginning!

A journey beyond end!

A journey beyond then!

A journey beyond now!